Renew the Mind Counselling
Grief and Loss
“Grief is a strange beast that we learn to live with. We don’t get over it as if it were a surmountable object. We can become more comfortable with our discomfort but there is no finite time for grief as there is no finite time for love. Grief is often a private affair that others cannot share or perhaps even understand. Grief can spring out of drawers and cupboards, off shelves, from photographs, wafts to our nostrils upon a perfume, is precipitated by music, clutches at our heart.”
(The Empty Chair at Christmas’ by Petrea King, CEO of Quest for Life)
What is grief?
Grief relates to a range of responses felt after a loss which could be the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, loss of a role as in retirement, being retrenched, children leaving home, loss of possessions such as a home, money, personal possessions because of divorce or loss through gambling. On the other hand, bereavement is a word used to describe the loss following on from a death. Not everyone experiences grief in the same way, and it is important to allow yourself time to grieve.
Time does allow us to let reality sink in and try to get used to what has happened, but time itself is not necessarily enough. People can often feel that they are moving forward, but then feel as if they are going backwards again.
It is often believed that time will heal but in reality, it’s not as simple as that. With the passing of a family member, you may feel emotions such as shock, numbness and disbelief. There will be times when you think you are getting over some of these emotions and then they will return, and you may feel as if you are getting worse. It is important to understand, that it is more important to try to find ways of managing without this person, instead of trying to get over the passing.
Grief is a very personal thing, and you may feel as if there is a void in your life that can never be filled. Family and friends can be helpful at this time, but it is important for you to do what feels right for you and if going back to work helps to distract you that is okey. For others, taking time off work could be the answer.
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It is important to look after yourself in terms of eating and getting enough rest.
While everyone’s grief journey is different, similarities can be found in the patterns of grief.
- Grieving is important for healing.
- It is normal to feel such intense emotions.
- There is no set time for grieving.
- Grief is about getting used to a life that will be different – not forgetting or moving on.
Physical Responses to grief include:
- Difficulty sleeping
- Loss of appetite
- Stomach upsets
- Tiredness
- Heart palpitations
- Dry mouth
Emotional Responses that may be experienced:
- Anxiety
- Fear
- Extreme sadness
- Anger
- Helplessness
- Crying
- Feeling irritable
Behavioural Responses that could be experienced:
- Withdrawing from social activities
- Feeling restless
- Lacking motivation
- Feeling tired and listless
- Experiencing low self-esteem
Cognitive Impacts:
- Difficulty concentrating
- Overthinking
- Being forgetful
- Finding it difficult to make decisions
- Dreaming
- Vagueness
Spiritual Responses that could be experienced:
- Questioning oneself about faith and religious beliefs.
- Sense of pointlessness and meaninglessness.
- Feel a strengthening of spiritual connection.
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Grief Triggers
What is a “grief trigger”. It is anything that reminds you of the loss you have experienced. Such things as birthdays, Christmas, holidays, songs or movies can bring back strong feelings, even when others might think that you have been able to move on. This is normal and there is no time frame around these experiences, although the memories over time will more than likely change from all feelings being sad, to some of joy and happiness for the experiences you cherished.
Dealing with the Death of a Co-worker
Individual reactions will be different dependent on the length of time that you have known the worker and the actual relationship you have had in your particular role. It is important to be understanding and kind to each other and co-operate so that the workload is shared. It could be helpful to be able to talk to each other and give yourself time to grieve. Perhaps finding a way to honour the worker could he helpful, whether it be in the workplace itself, or donating to a charity that the worker was passionate about.
Men and Grief
Men may shed a few tears, but traditionally men are seen to be strong and feel that they need to be protective. Men will often feel the need to do something and may immerse themselves in their work or they may internalise their feeling and become depressed and withdrawn. This can then impact on their own well-being as well as relationships within the family in particular. Sometimes alcohol or drug abuse can also become a problem. It is important to recognise that grieving is different for everyone and to be mindful of emotions that people are experiencing.
Suicide
Tragically, too often people are affected by the loss of a loved one or friend through suicide. The shock of the unexpected often leads people to blame themselves. There is also the necessary involvement of external authorities, and this can be seen as an intrusion and does not allow the expression of emotions for the loss. It is important for people to allow themselves to grieve and not avoid it and even though the reason for the tragedy may never be known, life needs to go on in a different way, while keeping the memories.
If you feel that you have used all of the resources close to you and you are still struggling it could be time to seek help from a professional counsellor who will be able to support you as you navigate this difficult journey.
Renew the Mind
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